The Care and Feeding of Humans, Part 1; Choosing Your Human

Many of my feline readers have been asking lots of questions about how to manage the care of their humans. *Caution* you two-legged readers might not find the following very intersting. In fact, you might just want to shut down your computer and go watch Spongebob -Squarepants instead.

There. Now, that I've taken care of the human kittens let me address my fellow felines in what I hope to be a series of postings on the proper management of your human. The first step, of course, is choosing a compatible human. Don't be fooled. All humans are not alike. Some are actually...dare I say it...vegetarians. These must be avoided at all costs.

Now, back when I was looking to adopt a human and Miss R. first poked her head above the cardboard box that held my four siblings and me, I knew right away that she was the human for me. Her breath smelled slightly of tuna and I knew this was a human that would treat me as cats should be treated. Imagine my shock then when I heard her say to the other humans in the room, "Hmmmm, I really had my heart set on one of the grey and black females so I could name her Belle!" Oh, the horror! I was orange and white, not grey and black! I was a male, not a female. And while I didn't have a name yet there was no way I was going to allow anyone to call me Belle! No matter. I had already decided that Miss R. was the human for me. As she ran her hand over the top of the box, I turned over on my back inviting her to scratch my tummy. Trust me. Humans can't resist this. Just to be safe, I purred extra loudly and did my best to look, "fluffy." (More on looking fluffy later.) When she scooped up all my siblings and me and unceremoniously dumped us in her lap, I promptly curled up and took a nap, purring the whole time. Humans are powerless to resist the draw of a sleeping kitty. My not-so-wise siblings continued their play and tumbled off Miss R.'s lap one at time. I chose instead to continue my nap while Miss R. softly stroked my fur. Hah. It was easier than taking candy from a baby! Before she even knew it, she was telling the other humans in the room, "Well, I came here today to pick out a kitty, but I think a kitty just picked out me." And that, my fellow felines, is how to pick a human.

PS- Before any of my perfectionist feline friends write in to tell me that it's grammatically incorrect to start sentences such as the one above, with a conjunction such as, "and," let me remind you that good writers know the rules so well that, on occassion, they can choose to break one for literary effect. If any of you two-legged readers ignored my earlier advice about watching SpongeBob instead of reading this post, let me caution you that you must prove that you know the rules of grammar very well, before you are allowed to break them!